The Case of the Conniving CatBurglar
by Le Penguin
Summary: OR, My Fork Lady The Sanada Detective Agency is on the case of a mysterious catburglar. Marui is the slightly reluctant bait. The third installment of the Rikkai Detective Saga.


A/N: Another addition to my Rikkai-Detectives Saga. You can find the first two installments by trekking over to my profile.

* * *

"'ukimura-vuchou, 'ook vaht I bvought 'ou!" 

Kirihara spat out his werewolf fangs, holding out a pillowcase full of sweets to the boy in the hospital bed. Yukimura laughed, reaching into the bag to draw out a sucker.

"Thanks, Akaya. Very kind of you to share your Halloween candy with me," said Yukimura as he unwrapped his selection.

"...well, _most_ of it's my candy..." Kirihara mumbled, scratching his nose.

Yukimura paused with the sucker halfway to his mouth. Kirihara laughed a bit too loudly, dumping the rest of the pillowcase of candy onto the sheets.

"And by that I didn't mean that I stole it from firsties!" assured Kirihara hastily. "I meant that everyone from the team pitched in for the pillowcase-filling!"

_And that some lucky firsties made a very generous donation to the cause._ Kirihara flopped onto the side of the bed, pawing through the sweets. Yukimura licked at his lollipop, and said: "If you want to, you can take some home. They've put me on a special diet and I can't possibly hide all of this from the staff."

"Aah, but that's where you're wrong!" said Niou, who seemed to have appeared from nowhere in particular.

Kirihara jumped; then scowling, asked: "Where the hell did you come from? I'm the one who gets to bring Yukimura-sempai the candy!"

Niou shrugged, brushing off the shoulders of his magician costume. "I was in the neighborhood. Anyway, my most dearest darling captain, I would be more than happy to find a proper spot for your Halloween gift. All I ask in return is your gratitude and a Kit-Kat."

"I'll give you the Kit-Kat, but my gratitude depends on exactly where you're hiding the rest," replied Yukimura.

Niou snatched up his payment and set to work snooping around the hospital room for a proper hiding place. Yukimura shook his head.

"Did you come alone, Niou?" he asked. "Or--"

"Not alone, Seiichi dear," purred a voice somewhere near the vicinity of Yukimura's ear.

Yukimura gasped and stiffened. Yanagi chuckled, pulling away from Yukimura.

"We wouldn't miss a chance to visit you for the world," he said.

"The candy doesn't hurt, either," added Niou; at that moment attempting to dislodge a ceiling tile.

Yukimura playfully punched Yanagi in the arm. "A vampire for the third year in a row, Renji--not very creative, are we?"

Yanagi shrugged. "If it gives me an excuse to bite your neck, I'll do what I need to," he replied, bending down to exercise the privilege.

"Incoming," warned Yukimura.

"Hello, Genichirou," Yanagi greeted Sanada, whose hand was firmly fisted in his vampire cape, preventing him from getting any closer to Yukimura. "Pleasant day, is it not?"

"It'll be a pleasant day when I strangle you," replied Sanada, moving to exercise the privilege.

Yukimura slapped at his arms lightly. Attempting to steer the conversation to a path that did not involve biting or strangulation, Yukimura asked: "Where's everyone else? And why do you have rabbit ears on your pirate hat, Genichirou?"

Kirihara tugged at Yanagi's cape. "You can bite my neck if you want, sempai..."

"Later," Yanagi whispered back.

"Marui out having the time of his life, and Jackal is supervising him to ensure that he doesn't level any suburban districts in his glee," Sanada replied.

"Yagyuu is a bit tied up at the moment," Niou said, tossing the ceiling tile aside. He began to root around in the ceiling. "He sends warm regards, though."

"No one's quite sure where Yagyuu is at the moment," Yanagi explained to Yukimura quietly. "Niou assures us of his safety, so we're not too worried at the moment.

"As for the bunny ears on Genichirou's costume," he continued, louder now. "The pirate hat was found this morning to have said ears krazy-glued quite securely onto it. Since a proper pirate must have a hat, Genichirou was forced to wear it anyway."

"Me and Niou-sempai did it with help from Sanada-sempai's older brother!" Kirihara whispered eagerly into Yukimura's ear.

Yukimura chuckled. "I think it looks quite fetching. They really bring out your cheekbones."

Sanada blinked. His hands slowly went to the rabbit ears, his true ears turning a slight pink. "...they...do?"

Yukimura smiled, giving his lollipop a long lick. "They do."

Suddenly, the door to the room flung open with a burst of song.

"IT'S THE MOST! WON-DER-FUL TIIIIIIIIIME! OF THE YEAR!" Marui bounded into the room, flinging his arms out. Jackal, playing the role of the pack-mule this Halloween, followed behind with the heavy bounty of candy. "With the vampires biting and the werewolves calling out 'Be of good CHEEEEEER!'

"It's the most! Won-der-ful tiiiiiiiiiiiime...of the YEEEEEEEEEAR!"

Marui slid on his knees across the floor, finishing with a flourish. Yukimura clapped politely. Kirihara threw a fun-sized chocolate bar at him. This, for Marui, seemed to be taken as a cue for an encore.

Amidst the strains of Marui's off-key warbling of "Deck the Halls with Laffy Taffy," Sanada nervously chatted with Yukimura.

"...you really think they suit me?" asked Sanada, stroking the rabbit ears.

"I really do," said Yukimura with a nod. "You look rather darling."

Sanada frowned, his cheeks beginning to burn. Yukimura's eyebrows knitted fretfully.

"Not darling in a bad way, Genichirou," he clarified, sifting through the pile of sweets on his lap. "Here, have some candy..."

Sanada blindly plucked a package off Yukimura's lap, still attempting to hide his red cheeks. Kirihara paled.

"Sanada-sempai--" he started to warn.

"Quiet, Akaya," Sanada grunted, dumping the contents of the candy package into his hand. He then popped the brightly colored sweets into his mouth.

Kirihara gulped. "Sanada-sempai, those were the you-know-whats..."

The room fell silent. Sanada slowly lowered his hand.

"...," he said.

_At least I'll have sweet dreams_, he thought, the vision of Yukimura's worried and vaguely annoyed face going with him as he passed out.

* * *

_You know what the best part of being the greatest private eye in all Japan is? No, it isn't the honor of being able to wear the fedora (though I do like the fedora). Nor is it the fame, the fortune, or the unfortunate affair of having a disrespectful brat as your secretary-cum-scenthound._

_The best part of being the greatest private eye in all Japan is having the sheer animal magnetism to attract fine specimens of beauty--fine specimens such as the one that was lying next to me as the story begins._

"Seiichi."

"...mmm?"

"I must say, my detective senses are detecting something strange."

"...humm. What are your detective senses detecting?"

"Well, they detect that there is a mystery to be solved..._in my pants_."

"One, you're not wearing pants. Two, if you want to have sex with me, please get better lines. Yours really kill the mood."

_Yep, this particular story begins with yours truly getting some from his lovely fiancé. I think that I'm going to like relating this tale to you quite a lot._

_But, before Seiichi managed to find his knee-high black leather boots and whip, the telephone rudely interrupted._

Yukimura managed to root out his boots from underneath the bed, giving a disinterested look to the phone. "Sanada, handle that, please," he commanded, zipping himself into the newly recovered footwear. "--and _not _by throwing it against the wall."

Sanada, grumbling, lowered the telephone back down to its spot on the night table. He yanked the mouthpiece up, grunting out a, "Sanada Detective Agency, finest detecting in Japan. What the hell do you want?"

"Evening, Genichirou. Have I interrupted something?" greeted the voice of Professor Yanagi.

Sanada glared at the telephone--to no effect, being as it was an inanimate object--and snorted. "Yes. I repeat: what the hell do you want?"

Yanagi chuckled. "I'm so sorry for the interruption. Yukimura-san really is talented, isn't he..." he remarked.

The innocent telephone was on the verge of crumbling into pieces under the pressure of Sanada's grip.

"...according to my predictions, that is," Yanagi finished. "I suppose _you_ really have the final say on the matter."

Sanada's eyebrow twitched madly. "And just what is that supposed to mean?" he snapped.

"That you have the final say on the question of whether Yukimura-san is talented or not," said Yanagi, calmly.

The telephone's life was again put into jeopardy by this reply. "I'll have you know that Seiichi is _exceptionally_ talented, and that I'm so _sorry_ that you won't be able to experience just how talented he is."

"Oh, don't worry. I've already experienced numerous times the extent of Yukimura-san's talent; I don't know where I could've gotten the data to do my predictions on otherwise."

Yukimura looked up from where he knelt on the floor, having finished zipping himself into his boots. Judging from the irritated and somewhat murderous look on Sanada's face, Yanagi was the one on the other end of the telephone line; yet it was still rather rare even when Yanagi was in one of his more "playful" moods that Sanada looked as though he was about to perform a particularly painful detecting maneuver on the professor's skull.

"...really, I've never before met someone who mixes such delicious drinks."

Deciding to intercept said particularly painful detecting maneuver before it was began (and also deciding to save the innocent telephone clutched in Sanada's fist), Yukimura crawled over to Sanada and nuzzled his shoulder. He plucked the telephone out of Sanada's hand, bringing it to his own ear.

"Good evening, Renji-san," Yukimura greeted warmly. "What brings this call?"

"Yukimura-san, good evening to you," said Yanagi. "I apologize for interrupting you and Genichirou, but this seemed rather urgent."

Yukimura frowned. "Is Akaya misbehaving over there?"

Yanagi laughed. "No, he's being quite the little angel. At first he was a bit sulky that Genichirou made him clear out of the office so that he could surprise you--I'd imagine you were, in fact, surprised?"

"Exceedingly. The silk complimented Sanada's eyes, in any case. Continue."

"There threatened to be an incident over the presence of vegetables in the dinner that my droids made us, but it was smoothed over rather easily. I offered him a kiss for every vegetable that he ate, and Akaya's plate was cleaned several times over."

Yukimura made an impressed noise in his throat. "Ingenious as always, Renji-san. Usually I just tell him that he's a vicious bloodthirsty dinosaur, and that his vegetables are hapless cavemen."

"I considered that approach, but the route I took seemed to have less damage entailed," Yanagi explained. "Akaya is napping off his dinner right now. However, I've called for a reason entirely unrelated to my babysitee."

_It was all very fascinating to watch Seiichi chat up Renji, but it didn't change the facts that one, Seiichi was naked, two, I was also naked, and three, we were failing to do anything about those two previous things. I decided to call attention to this._

"Seiichi..." Sanada moaned, drawing him into his lap. "My balls are turning blue."

Yukimura wriggled a bit in Sanada's hold, frowning again. "Please warm them up yourself; Renji-san seems to be having a problem with some international affairs..."

"Let him deal with his own international affairs; help me deal with _mine!_" Sanada attempted to lead Yukimura's hand between his legs to drive in the point.

Yukimura squeezed obligingly while trying to listen to Yanagi. His eyebrows furrowed. "...well, a cat-burglar? It certainly does sound interesting; but shouldn't it be better left to the government? Not to mention that Sanada and I are already up to our eyebrows in cases already..."

"Nngh," agreed Sanada.

Yanagi sighed. "I suppose so, but thus far the cat-burglar has baffled international intelligence--and, since Genichirou has made himself such the fine detective, I put in a good word for him with some of my colleagues that are heading the investigation."

"...well, that's very kind of you," said Yukimura. "Perhaps we _could_ take on the case; spread our names out even more."

Yukimura looked at Sanada. "What do you think?" He squeezed again.

"Argregheh..." Sanada whimpered helplessly.

Yanagi laughed on the other end of the line. "As I said, Yukimura-san, you're a very talented man. When you and Genichirou are through with your business, come over here and I'll introduce you to the details of the case. And do have fun with him."

Yukimura smiled. "Of course. We'll see you in a little while, Renji-san."

_I was up in an instant to take on the case--and I wanted to handle the whole cat-burglar thing, too. After darling Seiichi and I solved the mystery of my pants (I don't understand why Seiichi didn't fall panting into my arms at that line. It was a good line.), we took a stroll over to Professor Renji's house to pick up the case._

"International theft, eh..." said Sanada, stirring his coffee. "Has anyone gotten anything on him yet?"

"Not anything substantial," Yanagi sighed.

Kirihara made a soft grunt in his sleep. He turned over restlessly on the couch where he had sacked out after Sanada and Yukimura had arrived (and after he'd gotten a good hair-ruffling out of Yukimura and "accidentally" jammed his foot down on Sanada's toe). Yanagi patted his head reassuringly.

"What we have gathered, however, is a rough pattern of heists." Yanagi handed a thin notebook to Yukimura for perusal. "The thief seems to target the homes of wealthy young ladies and gentlemen. Particularly the gentlemen."

Yukimura nodded, flicking through the pages. "Have you formulated a plan to catch him?"

Yanagi chuckled, smoothing down his trousers. "Why, naturally, Yukimura-san. Would you have expected less of me?"

"My apologies," laughed Yukimura. "I should've never doubted the master. What should I do for penance?"

There was a moment's pause. Yanagi smiled slowly. "Well, if you'd let my droids show you to my bedroom..."

"Ah-HEM," Sanada interrupted, scowling. He glared at the droids which had gathered around Yukimura. After a nod from their master, the machines returned to their stations.

Yanagi coughed. "As I was saying, I've managed to draw up a rough plan to catch the burglar. I'd also like to accompany you on the investigation, if you don't mind."

"I might mind," said Sanada, suspiciously.

Yukimura tugged on Sanada's fedora. "Renji-san will be invaluable on the case, Sanada. I'm sure that the amount of times that we run headlong into dead-ends or unspeakable peril will be cut exponentially if he comes along."

Sanada harrumphed, rearranging his fedora. "I like my dead-ends and peril, thank you."

"Perhaps someday you should make a career out of it," suggested Yanagi.

_I had an itchy feeling that I was just insulted. It comes up a lot whenever I associate with Renji, and whenever I try to scratch the itch by socking him in the face Seiichi always steps in and threatens to stop sleeping with me. I don't care to take the risk of calling his bluff, and I don't think I ever will._

_Anyway, Renji tagged along with us for the investigation. I figured that it was easier to just give in and let him come along, since otherwise he might try to plant a teleport generator on one of us and drop out of Seiichi's skirts at an inopportune moment. Besides, he has all of those technical whackadoos that make things move quicker so I can get home and toss Seiichi onto the bed sooner and we can play hide-the-sausage sooner._

_The brat managed to wheedle his way into the case, too. With both Renji and Seiichi on his side, I was out-voted on the issue. I really need to find out how he gets on Seiichi's good side like that one of these days; the knowledge would be rather handy._

_Renji dragged us to the Theatre Royale for whatever reason. Probably wanted to feel up a few of the showboys, I guess. We got there just as one of the shows was finishing up, and headed backstage._

"I present to you our burglar bait," said Yanagi, gesturing to a rather proud-looking Marui.

Sanada blinked. "What, are we planning on hanging a bag of money from his neck and tying him to a lamppost?"

"Hey!" Marui pouted.

"Not quite," Yanagi replied, patting Marui on the head. "By 'bait,' I mean this: I plan to train Bunta here to have the mannerisms of a wealthy young debutant, and then use him to lure the cat-burglar out of hiding."

"And then I get paid, right?" prompted Marui. "In large bills and assorted cakes?"

Yukimura chuckled softly, leaning in to whisper in Yanagi's ear: "Something tells me that you have your work cut out for you, Renji-san."

Yanagi quickly kissed Yukimura's cheek. "You underestimate me again. I assure you, by the end of the week, Bunta will be a perfect gentleman."

"Professor Yanagi! Look at me!" cried Kirihara. He bounded onto Yanagi's lap, dressed in one of Marui's frillier, sparklier, and scantier dancing outfits. "I'm a stage sensation!"

"Get out of my bird outfit, you little brat!" Marui lunged at Kirihara, managing to end up sprawled across Yanagi's lap as Kirihara bounded away. He snarled in rage. "You made me swallow my gum!"

Kirihara blew a raspberry at Marui. "Did not! Some's left in your hair, stupid!"

Marui blinked, running his fingers through his hair. Finding the rogue gum, he grinned and popped it into his mouth. "Hey, you're right! Thanks."

Yanagi deflated somewhat. "...an almost-perfect gentleman, perhaps..."

_I would've enjoyed seeing Renji have his work cut out for him, had I not been blinded with rage over seeing Seiichi be violated so cruelly. I leapt up, ready to defend my darling's honor--and then I woke up in the dressing room after Marui dumped a bucket of water on me. Later Seiichi told me that I'd leapt up so eagerly that I'd nailed my head on a light fixture. That did explain the splitting headache and the bent lamp._

_After picking up Marui's little boy-toy for moral support, we all hiked back to Renji's place to start Marui's training and to get some ice for my head. After the ice was procured, we settled down to start our procedure._

"Renji-san, is this really necessary?" asked Yukimura, uncertainly.

"I don't see how anything involving the words 'electric,' 'shock,' and 'treatment' could ever be necessary," whimpered Marui.

"I decided that we should start at the worst punishments and work our way down in return for progress." Yanagi flipped a few switches on an ominously blinking machine. "Just think, Bunta--this will probably be the worst punishment you'll encounter in your entire training program."

"'Probably'!" squeaked Marui. "Jackaaaaaal! Get me out of these shackles!"

"Oooohhhh Jaaaaackaaaal...won't you get me out of these shaaaaaaaackles? My heart's been chained for far too loooooong..." Kirihara crooned off-key.

Jackal moved to rescue Marui, but was blocked by Yanagi. "Jackal-san, wait. If you'd just let us train Marui, he'll--"

"Be a smoking pink stain on the walls?" Jackal asked, irritated.

"Not quite. If the training succeeds, Marui will be a perfect gentleman." Yanagi leaned in. "Just think. No more diva fits. No more stealing cakes on his time off. No more snapping gum."

Jackal gulped. "...no more snapping gum?"

Yanagi nodded. After a tense moment, Jackal took his seat. Marui shrieked in indignation until he was cut off by a sharp shock of electricity.

"Gentlemen don't throw fits, Bunta," scolded Yanagi.

Marui coughed. "I think this gentleman just swallowed his gum again," he said, quietly.

Sanada shook his head, wrapping the arm that was not holding the ice pack to his head around Yukimura. "Why did Renji pick Pinky, anyway? It's not like he doesn't know anyone who wouldn't be easier to train."

"Well," said Yukimura, resting his head against Sanada's shoulder. He began to count off his fingers. "Yagyuu was a candidate, as I'm sure you can understand. Renji-san asked him, in fact, but then Niou came in and started loudly voicing how very much he'd enjoy being a gentleman and how he'd gladly take Yagyuu's place and make the whole operation a great success--Renji-san took that as a hint that Niou would attempt to sabotage the project, and crossed Yagyuu off the list."

"No, Bunta, the proper function of a salad fork is not 'to fling nasty stuff at people you don't like.' Akaya, will you press the big red button for me?"

"Shock ahoy!"

"GRAAAAAAAGH!"

"Fascinating. Go on," Sanada said, burying his nose in Yukimura's hair. As one might expect, Sanada was only listening for the opportunity to cuddle Yukimura.

Yukimura continued. "Akaya is much too young for the project, and Jackal was worried that it would make him close the store for a while. I offered to be the bait myself, but Renji-san would have none of it."

Sanada grunted and puffed a few strands of hair out of his mouth. "Least I can credit the ass for that one..." He paused. "Hey, wait--why not me?"

Chuckling, Yukimura turned to tap Sanada on the nose. "I don't think that Renji-san could turn you into a proper gentleman no matter how hard he tried."

"Here's an easy one for you. An elderly heiress introduces you to her shy young granddaughter at a get-together. What do you do?"

"...salad fork..."

"Looking back, perhaps electrical shock wasn't the best of training techniques..."

"Button time?"

"Button time."

"AUUUUUUUGH!"

"I'm plenty proper," grumbled Sanada. "I hold open doors, I defend the honor of my beloved, and I know a salad fork from my ass."

Yukimura snuggled his face against Sanada's shoulder. "There's more to being a gentleman than opening doors and knowing utensils," he said with a laugh.

A blink. "You want me to buy you chocolate and flowers? I think that there're still shops open at this hour..."

"Bunta? Can you hear me? Your next question: you're going to a fancy dinner party. Do you wear jeans, sandals, and a tube top or a nice pair of dress pants and a crisp shirt?"

"Dress salad fork pants and fork a salad crisp salad."

Yanagi twitched. "...so much for Plan A."

Kirihara tugged on the professor's lab coat. "Professor? Can I press the button again?"

"No!" Jackal stormed out of his seat, dashing to where Marui lay in a pink, fizzling heap. Unhooking him from the various instruments of torture, Jackal hoisted Marui's twitching and babbling body over his shoulder. "Bunta, I'm so sorry...when we get back, you can throw all the fits you want, you can steal all of the cakes you want, you can snap all the gum you want--"

Marui dazedly gazed at Jackal with sparkling eyes. "...salad fork," he cooed with love in his voice, wrapping his arms around Jackal.

_Pinky got taken back to him and his boyfriend's love nest for some recuperation, and the rest of us settled down to implement Plan B. Thing is, I'm not sure if there was a Plan B._

"Plan B could involve nets. Or a big hole," suggested Kirihara.

"We still need bait, though. Is he just going to walk up and say, 'Oh me, oh my! It's a lovely hole! I do declare that I'll jump right in!'" Sanada retorted.

Kirihara stuck out his tongue once more. Yukimura patted Yanagi's arm.

"If we're all out of other options, I'd be glad to serve as the bait," Yukimura said.

"Absolutely not," said Yanagi and Sanada in unison. Sanada glared at Yanagi, while Yanagi hmphed.

Yukimura sighed. "The both of you know perfectly well that I'm able to defend myself. What's the big problem?"

"I'd just rather not use you as the bait, Yukimura-san," Yanagi explained. "It's much too dangerous--we don't know what this man is capable of."

"What other choice do you have?" demanded Yukimura. "Akaya is too young, people know who you are, and Sanada is hopeless in the matter!"

"Yukimura-san's right about you and Sanada-san, professor," piped up Kirihara. Sanada bopped him on the head in retribution. Kirihara pouted, rubbing his throbbing skull. "What else are you gonna do; bring back Salad Fork?"

_...well, when the brat's right, he's right. So we convinced Jackal to bring Pinky back for more training._

_It all went swimmingly for a few days--_

"I'm going to put these books on your head, Bunta, and you're going to walk across the library with them balanced perfectly. Understood?"

"Does it fork involve salad fork electric fork shocks?"

"Possibly. Akaya, when I blow my whistle, chase after Bunta with the taser. Understood?"

"Crystal-clearly!"

_Sort of swimmingly._

"And now, we will learn how to make proper conversation. Pretend that I am the representative of a wealthy family from Europe, and I introduce myself to you as Rudolph Albert McToodlekins the Third."

"...and laughing my fork ass off is salad not polite fork salad conversation?"

"My mother's maiden name was McToodlekins, Bunta."

"...am I fork going to get salad fork shocked?"

"I was only joking about my mother's maiden name, but I'm afraid that you're correct on the shock front. Akaya, bring Mr. Taser."

_...perhaps sort of dog-paddlingly. (Heh. Renji McToodlekins-Yanagi.)_

"Let's learn now how to eat."

"I salad learned that fork when I salad fork fork was two."

"I've seen you consume food, Bunta; it's not a pleasant or polite affair. Now, do you know what most proper dinners start with?"

"...no. Please fork no."

"A delicious, fresh salad."

"GOD FORK NO."

"Pick up the salad fork. Now."

"YOU CAN'T FORK MAKE ME."

"Yes, I can. Pick it up."

"No. NO. NO! GRAUUUUUUUGH!" shrieked Marui, speeding out of the room. Kirihara was quick to tail him, scooping up Mr. Taser on the way out the door.

Jackal sighed. "You did that on purpose."

From the adjacent room, there came a shriek, a thump, and then silence. Yanagi just shrugged.

_Drowningly. Drowningly is the word._

_The party that Pinky would be strutting his stuff at was that weekend at the mansion of a friend of Renji's. We got cracking on some more training exercises, and by Saturday Pinky was ready for his big night. Sort of._

"Well, Bunta, you're looking quite stunning," said Yanagi.

"Yeah, the static really gives your hair that extra volume," snickered Kirihara.

"Fork off," Marui grumbled, smoothing down his hair for the millionth time.

Yanagi sighed. "Remember, I've told everyone that you're the shy cousin of the friend of mine that's hosting the party. You're a young French heir who speaks no Japanese, and as such will be remaining mainly silent except in discussions relating to silverware."

"Fourchette de salade," Marui said snidely.

Sanada shook his head before peering at his watch. He tapped on the door that he waited by. "Seiichi? You ready yet?"

Dead silence. Sanada blinked. "Seiichi?"

The door creaked open, and Yukimura wafted out slowly. Sanada and Yanagi felt cold chills run down their spines. Yukimura gazed at the both of them for an agonizingly long moment. He let out a long sigh, drifting over to Kirihara.

"Come, Akaya," he said, voice quiet. "Let's wait in the cab."

Yukimura escorted Kirihara out of the house, shutting the look with a soft click. Sanada shivered.

"...he's still mad, isn't he?" he asked, fearfully.

"Extremely, I'd say," Yanagi replied, voice only shaking a bit. "This was all for his own safety."

"And not for salad fork mine fork?" Marui bit back.

"You'll be fine, Bunta," assured Yanagi, patting Marui's hair. A rogue zap of electricity gave the professor's hand a shock.

Marui grinned, tugging on a lock of his hair. "Heh, you're fork right. All's I salad gotta do is fork zap the guy with my salad fork hair if he gets too fork close."

Jackal glanced out the window, concernedly watching the cab. "Yanagi, Sanada--maybe you should talk to Yukimura. He really does seem upset."

Sanada, putting on his coat, stumbled a bit. "Why would he be upset?" he asked. "We're trying to help him."

Jackal groaned, moving to escort Marui out the door. "Just take my word for it. C'mon, Bunta, let's--ow--go." Shaking off the electric shock, he and Marui made for the cab.

_The fact that Seiichi was upset hit me like a poisoned arrow piercing my very soul. The thought of those dark eyes shimmering with tears, that mouth turned into a sorrowful frown, that beautiful heart shattering like the thousand shards of a smashed vase...it made my own eyes downcast, my own mouth twist into a frown, my own heart twist and break. Who had the audacity to wound an angel such as him? Who had a heart black as coal; black as the darkest of midnights? Who could possibly hurt one whose beauty surpasses all mortal bounds?_

_...then I figured out that it was me, and I felt like a gigantic jackass._

_I begged Seiichi's forgiveness for the entire car ride, but he just looked at me with those eyes and my condition was downgraded from "gigantic jackass" to "Earth-shakingly-huge jackass." Also, Renji looked at me as if I was only making it worse by groveling, but let's see him try to deal with the very flower of his soul being upset with him!_

_We finally got to the party, and I set to work trying to once more get in Seiichi's favor._

"Flowers?"

Yukimura gave Sanada a long-suffering look. Sanada frantically scratched underneath his collar.

"Candy? Fine wine? Clothes? Jewelry? Me dressing up in a full-body cow costume and singing love ballads underneath your window during a full moon?"

Blinking as he took a proffered glass of wine from a butler, Yukimura shook his head.

"Creative," was his sole remark.

Sanada hurriedly fished his notebook out of his suit pocket and scrawled "cow ballads" onto it.

Nearby, Yanagi was attempting to cover for Marui's creative new speech patterns to a pair of ambassadors.

"He's rather shy, you understand," Yanagi said, gesturing vaguely to where Marui sulked in an armchair with Jackal nearby offering reassurance and bonbons. "This is his first foray into the public eye."

The ambassadors made sounds of understanding, sending sympathetic smiles over to Marui. Marui grumbled a bit and shoved a handful of bonbons into his mouth.

"Jackal, when is this fork burglar supposed to salad show?" he asked impatiently. "I'm getting bored and low on refreshments!"

Suddenly, a cloud of something unexplainable descended on Marui. A chill went through his body.

"...do you feel like we're being watched?"

A pair of arms flung themselves around Marui's neck. "That's 'cause you ARE!" trilled a cheerful voice.

"Garck..." replied Marui, attempting to breathe.

"Marui Bunta! Remember me! You signed my chest at the Theatre Royal a few weeks ago!" Jirou explained eagerly. "What're you doing here, hmm?"

"More to the point, what're _you_ doing here?" Marui choked out.

"Huh? Oh, my guy's folks throwing this whole thing!" Jirou bounded from behind the chair, and sat cross-legged in front of Marui and Jackal. "I always have to come to these things and I usually just sleep if I don't have to eat or talk or dance or anything and usually my beau gets huffy when I don't do stuff but I _do_, it's just that I get tired easily and I gotta have my sleep, and the only people here are moldy old businessmen and ambassadors and stuff and what am I gonna talk to them about, since I don't know anything about the exchange rate of the sea cucumber or anything and usually it's REALLY boring but now you're here so it's not!"

Marui blinked. "All's I caught was that you're boffing the guy who got us into here. That's rather neat."

Jirou gasped, jumping to his feet. "You know my beau! That's _so cool!_ Come on, I always talk to him about you and usually he gets really mad but when he sees how cool you are he'll understand, so I'll show you where he is..."

Marui was dragged out of the room by his wrist by Jirou, Jackal following closely behind calling out weak protests. After watching this escapade play itself out, Yukimura merely smiled.

"That was convenient..." he remarked demurely.

Sanada's head shot up. "You're speaking to me again?" he asked hopefully, happiness bursting in his heart.

"No." Yukimura sipped at his wine.

Sanada went back to stewing in his own misery. Yanagi glanced to check on Marui, only to see an empty armchair littered with bon-bon wrappers. He paled, excused himself from his conversation with the ambassadors, and stalked over to Sanada.

"Genichirou," he said, calmly. "What happened to keeping an eye on Bunta to make sure that he remained in the room?"

Sanada glanced up, eyes full of reproach and deep, deep sorrow. "What happened to the light of my soul?"

Yanagi sunk his head into his hands. "You are the most moronic living being I've ever encountered, and I spent three years studying bacteria."

"Renji-san, there's nothing to worry about," assured Yukimura. "Bunta just went to spend some time with a friend. Jackal went with him to ensure that nothing would happen while he was out of our sight."

"But what if the culprit comes _now,_ when there's no bait to..."

Yanagi trailed off, seeing Yukimura's smiling face. He hung his head in defeat.

"You are a wily and talented man, Yukimura-san."

"You should expect no less of me," said Yukimura, raising his wine glass before the lights in the room shorted out. The guests populating the room gasped, murmuring in confusion and fear. Sanada leapt up, heading in the general direction of where Yukimura's chair was.

"Seiichi? Seiichi! Light of my heart!" he called in increasing panic.

"I think we'll need a more tangible light for this situation," Yanagi said, slightly irritated.

The room lit up with an eerie orange glow as Yanagi lit a small device that he produced from his pocket. Yukimura was no longer in his chair, being carried as he was out to the room's balcony by a figure in black. The figure leapt off the balcony with Yukimura in his arms. Sanada and Yanagi dashed to the scene, only to see the kidnapper carrying his kidnappee into the nearby gardens.

"God save my little broken body," gulped Sanada before he leapt from the balcony to pursue the burglar. Yanagi shook his head, pressing a button on a small device hidden in his collar.

"Akaya, to the gardens. The cookie jar has been pilfered. Bazooka Joe is safe, but the bluebird has been taken."

There were only chewing sounds from the other end of the line. Yanagi sighed. "Meaning that the burglar has shown himself, but has taken Yukimura-san instead of Bunta."

"Why didn't you say so!" Kirihara demanded. "I'm on my way!"

Yanagi clicked off the communicator, adjusted his collar, and jumped after Sanada. As the two raced in mad pursuit of the thief, they discussed the situation rationally and calmly.

"Why didn't Seiichi fight back!" Sanada yelled to no one in particular, his foot snagging on a rock.

"Hmm, it _might _be because he's been drugged," Yanagi replied, annoyed. "It would explain the flopping limbs and general lack of resistance nicely."

"...he _drugged_. My. Seiichi." Gaining a new burst of breakneck speed through sheer rage, Sanada raced ahead of Yanagi.

The twosome arrived at a small clearing in the gardens, marked at the center by a large fountain. The burglar stood ominously next to it, holding Yukimura's limp body in his arms.

"Good evening," he drawled. "Did you misplace something?"

Sanada cocked his handgun. "I'll show you misplaced--"

The burglar chuckled, holding Yukimura's body in front of his as a shield. "I wouldn't try it, Casanova."

Sanada twitched, still holding his handgun aloft. The burglar sighed, and took out his own to hold underneath Yukimura's chin.

"Hands where I can see them, gentlemen."

Nearly choking on rage and quite a bit of fear, Sanada slowly set his gun on the dewy night ground. He and Yanagi raised their hands at their shoulders, glaring daggers. The burglar bowed a bit in appreciation.

"Thank you for being so obliging. My getaway helicopter will be here shortly, so you needn't worry about missing too much of the party." The burglar adjusted Yukimura's limp form so that Yukimura's head rested on his shoulder. "In the meantime, I'll be glad to give you the details about what I'd like in return for giving this lovely young man back to you. Forty million yen is my base request. Along with any of the valuables on my dear friend's person..." he continued on, slowly running a hand down Yukimura's side. "...I think it's a rather reasonable ransom, myself."

Yanagi grit his teeth. "...where would you want the cash sent?"

Sanada shot a look at Yanagi. "What are you doing!" he hissed. "Don't you have a Plan B to dramatically save Seiichi and get me irritated?"

"I didn't quite expect this to happen, Genichirou," Yanagi replied as calmly as he could manage. "I'll take care of the ransom money. If you get an opening for a shot, take it."

"Be a bit quieter in your plotting, would you?" said the burglar. "In any case, I'll be sending instructions to you once I get myself and my guest settled back at my abode."

The sound of helicopter blades began to fill the air. The burglar again bowed.

"And there's my ride. It was wonderful talking with you, we really must--ow." The burglar was interrupted by Yukimura's heeled foot meeting with his crotch.

Both Yukimura and the burglar slumped to the ground. Sanada scooped up his handgun, and raced over to Yukimura to engulf him in an embrace.

"Seiichi..." he whispered fiercely, burying his face in Yukimura's neck. "Why didn't you do that sooner?"

"Chloroform and a gun under my jaw stalled my reaction a bit," explained Yukimura groggily.

Yanagi plucked the gun from Sanada's hand, keeping it trained on the burglar as the helicopter landed. From the helicopter came a madly waving Jirou and Kirihara, followed by Marui and Jackal.

"Hey!" said Kirihara in a sing-song voice. "Gang's all here!"

Jackal jogged forward with a pair of handcuffs to aid Yanagi in keeping the burglar subdued. "Akaya came to warn us about the situation, and we got our gracious host to fly us to the scene."

"And I fork have more salad fork bonbons!" Marui added happily.

A young blond man emerged from the helicopter and stalked over to Yanagi. "You did not tell me that I would 'ave to come out 'ere myzelf, Renji," said he in a heavy French accent. "I was 'aving a most faszinating converzation wiz ze ambazzador from Kenya--"

Yanagi chuckled. "My apologies. Everyone, let me formally introduce you to our kind host, Keigo Atobe de Clair-Rue McToodlekins."

Marui choked on a bonbon. Atobe gave him a look.

"You find my name amuzing?" he asked, angrily.

The burglar slowly raised his head, smiling. Yanagi cocked his gun.

"It's wonderful to hear your voice again, my dear," said the burglar to Atobe.

Atobe looked down at the burglar, and then looked as if he was about to explode in indignation.

"_You_!" growled he, pointing a finger at the burglar. "You dare to show your face een my presence! Insecte!"

The burglar shook his head. "I was of the impression that I could make a fine heist here, but I had no idea that it would give me the opportunity to see your radiant visage again."

Atobe paused to preen for a moment. "Vell, I _am_ radiant..." The rage resumed. "But zat does not explain why there vas not but a word from you for ze past _two years!_"

Sanada rose his hand. "Question. You two know each other?"

The burglar chuckled. "Very well indeed, very well indeed..."

"Zis iz un ex-amour of mine, who goes by ze name of Yuushi Oshitari," Atobe explained huffily.

Jirou gasped in proper soap opera fashion, then swooned, then fell to the ground in a dead snooze. Atobe prickled in so much rage that he looked not unlike a French poodle.

"_Porcs!_ Aaa, mon petit mouton pauvre..." He clapped his hands. "Kabaji! Bring Jirou back to ze main house and give 'im a 'andful of ze caffeine pill!"

"Ouais," replied Kabaji, scooping up Jirou and carrying him through the gardens.

Oshitari shook his head. "A new 'amour' so soon, Keigo? I'm disappointed."

Atobe gave him a sound smack across the cheek. Undeterred, Oshitari looked up at Atobe through askew glasses.

"You're beautiful when you're angry," he purred.

"I've missed your body." Atobe pounced on Oshitari hungrily.

Marui rolled his eyes. "The French..."

Sanada shook his head, burying his face back in Yukimura's neck. Yukimura smiled, pressing a kiss to his hair.

"Are you feeling up to walking back to the house?" asked Sanada. "I wouldn't mind carrying you."

Yukimura hmmed softly. "I'd much rather go home, actually. The carrying sounds nice, though..."

Scooping Yukimura into his arms, Sanada carried him into the helicopter. He peered at the controls.

"Now, if only I knew how to fly one of these things, we could have a dramatic exit..."

Warm arms wrapped around his neck lazily. "And we could join the mile-high club..." added Yukimura.

Sanada thought about this for a moment, then lunged for the controls.

"Don't even try it, Genichirou," called Yanagi from outside.

Yukimura gave Sanada a kiss on the cheek. "No worries. Carry me back to the cab, and when we get home..." He whispered something into Sanada's ear, his hands drifting down to his belt buckle. "...you tall drink of mansex."

* * *

"...candy tampering, I expect. It should be wearing off fairly soon, and we'll keep him here for observation for a few hours." 

Sanada groggily opened his eyes to see the doctor's back retreating from the room.

"Guh," was his response to the analysis.

"Good morning, sunshine," Yukimura greeted him dryly as the door clicked shut.

"Guh," said Sanada as he rubbed his temples painfully.

"Seconded. Have a nice trip?" asked Yanagi conversationally.

"Die. And guh." Sanada gave a guilty look to Yukimura. "...I'll run the laps the second they let me out."

Yukimura waved him off. "Oh, no laps this time. It's the season of giving and all that."

Sanada blinked. Yukimura winked at him.

"The striptease this time was the clincher, though. Interesting birthmark on your thighs."

"Going back to guh," mumbled Sanada, attempting to smother himself with his pillow.

Yukimura tugged the pillow out of Sanada's reach, bopping him lightly with it. Marui shot up in the next bed over with a loud gasp.

"You there!" he shouted, pointing at Sanada. "Young boy! What day is today!"

Sanada blinked, rubbing his head. "...today? Today is Halloween."

Marui clutched his hands to his heart. "It's still here! The spirits did it all in one night! I swear now and forever to cherish Halloweentime with all of my soul, and to celebrate it like a merry little schoolboy forevermore!"

"He ate some of the Skittles, too," explained Niou to Sanada. "We think he was visited by the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present, and Future, but we're not quite sure. Personally, I already thought that he cherished Halloween well enough."

"It'll probably wear off in a few hours, though," assured Yanagi, patting Sanada's shoulder.

Flinging himself upward, Marui shouted to the world: "God bless us, every one!"


End file.
